A Girl’s Guide to the Avengers

Before I get started, I want to note the problem with this Avenger’s picture.  

Ironman has these seriously cool rocket/jet things attached to his hands.  Captain America has a impenetrable flying shield.  Thor has a rock solid hammer.  Hawkeye has arrows that blow things up.  Hulk has his awesome greenness and crushing strength.  And the Black Widow …  yes the only girl in the photo … what is she holding?  Yep, a pistol.  She brought a pea-shooter to an alien fight!

I brought this up to Keith after the movie.  He totally brushed over my concerns.  Told me that there is no way to realistically portray her martial arts and sneaking skills in a picture.  But at least couldn’t they have given her a legit semi-automatic something to hold?   

Anyway, just in case it isn’t clear, we saw the Avengers on Sunday.  I’m pretty sure half of the country saw Avengers this weekend but for the few (brilliant) people who have decided to wait until the mad crush of people are gone before going to the theatre, I thought I would pull together a list of things I wish I had remembered before going into the show. 

1.  The Thor / Loki relationship

Loki (the crazy guy with the long, greasy hair) is Thor’s adopted brother.  At the end of the movie, Thor, Loki loses the battle and falls into an abyss.  Thor thought he died.  But everyone should know that falling into an abyss does not cause death.  Unless, of course, you reside in real life.

2.  Thor’s Love Life

In the same movie, Thor is sent to Earth as punishment from his even more powerful god father.  While on Earth, he learned humility (well as much humility as you can expect from a god) and fell in love with Jane Foster.  So when they talk about Jane Foster being moved to a safe location, just remember she is the “One That Got Away.” 

I remember Thor wanting to come back to earth to be with his love but not being able to because the bridge between the two worlds was broken.  So that logically makes me ask why he could come back now …

Also, how mad would you be if you were Jane Foster and the love of your life finally figured out how to return to Earth and he couldn’t make time to come see you.  He doesn’t even call you.  The only time you see him is on the news.  

3.  The Blue, Shiny Cube Thing

This cube is known as a Tesseract.  It’s an energy source.  And in Captain America, it’s controlled by his villain.  The villain uses it to build weapons.  And on the way to deploying the weapon against the United States, he is foiled by none other than Captain America.  But the ship is doomed and Captain America goes down with it.  But instead of dying (and again we realize that activities that cause death never actually result in death), he is frozen in the ice.  70 years later he is found and defrosted to return to life as a 1940s era super hero in a crazy uniform only to find that his nemesis, the Tesseract is BACK!

4.  The Hulk

The Hulk was created when Bruce Banner tried to replicate the process that created Captain America.  Obviously he didn’t do it right because the first attempt created Captain America and the second attempt resulted in a Hulk-tastrophe.  This can be categorized as a major Oops. 

Anyway, what this means is that the human Bruce Banner is an expert in the gamma ray things that the Tesseract emits.  The green monster Bruce Banner is an expert at controlling his emotions after a one minute conversation with a janitor who gave him new clothes.  (Once again, stupid logic…)

I overheard a conversation in the cafeteria where a lady was lamenting that she couldn’t figure out where the green hulk came from … so in case you missed it … Bruce Banner is the hulk.  He turns into the crazy green guy when he gets angry.  Bruce Banner refers to his hulk as “the other guy.”

5.  S.H.I.E.L.D

Stands for Strategic Homeland Intervention and Enforcement – Logistics Division.  Yes, I had to google that. 

Anyway, this division is led by Nick Fury.  And he created the Avengers Initiative.  This includes the two super-heroes that did not get their own movie – Hawkeye and the Black Widow.  Hawkeye briefly appeared in Thor as the guy in a cherry-picker prepared to assassinate the god with an arrow and the Black Widow pretended to be Tony Starke’s personal assistant in Iron Man 2.  

Which leads me to …

6.  Tony Starke

I’m assuming that you have probably seen the Iron Man movies.  But I will remind you that Tony has that blue glowing thing in his chest to keep a piece of shrapnel away from his heart.  It’s like a giant, power producing magnet. 

And finally, the one thing that I absolutely did not know before watching the movie

7.  The villains … aka the Chitauri. 

I don’t think there are any recent movies about the Chitauri so I had to do some research.  Per the Marvel Wikipedia page:

The Chitauri are aliens who have attempted to conquer earth numerous times.  They [wipe] out disorder and free will wherever they find it. They seem to prefer to act behind the scenes, mimicking and influencing the social and military methods of the species they are currently infiltrating. For example, they aided the Nazis in their attempt at world conquest by providing them with the technology to create a nuclear bomb carried by an intercontinental ballistic missile. However, this attempt was thwarted by the prototype super-soldier codenamed Captain America. Through the entire conflict of World War II, the Chitauri were being driven out of their operations in Africa and Europe. And even from their main Japanese training camps inHiroshima and Nagasaki. Following the end of the war, the Chitauri withdrew to make new plans.

While this description is slightly helpful, I still have no idea about the crazy fish-like spacecrafts.  Perhaps someone from the Big Bang Theory would be available to fill me in?

****Update****

I just finished rewatching Captain America and I learned something about the villian, the red skull guy.  In one of the final scenes, he is beamed into space by the teseract.  Then in one of the additional scenese at the end of Avengers, we see red skull guy on another planet planning his next attack.  So it turns out that red skull guy was controlling Loki.  I wonder what else I am going to learn by rewatching the rest of the movies.

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