August has only one redeeming quality: My birthday. That in itself is enough of a reason why we should keep the month. (Well, that, and my mother-in-law’s birthday, my sister-in-law’s birthday, and Napoleon Bonaparte’s birthday. Turns out, lots of important people were born in August.)
But other than the birthdays, August is a complete waste of time.
It’s the only month without a holiday. Sure we have Labor Day coming up but it is over a month away (One month and a day to be exact, but who is counting…).
It’s hot. And muggy. In fact, 45% of Chicago’s 90 degree days happen in August. So we can’t even rely on cooling temperatures to salvage the month. To top it off, we are having a drought. So the farmers aren’t happy about August. All they can remember are the August bumper crops from years past. And the drought is ruling out the chances of a fantastic end of summer thunderstorm. (Well, that’s probably a good thing. At least the trees will appreciate keeping all of their limbs going into fall.)
Apparently the TV gods think that we are all out enjoying the dog days of summer and that we don’t have any need for any good TV. (Don’t they remember it’s hot? Unless you have a lake house, most of us prefer to stay inside. Fortunately we have the olympics right now. But they are only going to last another week. Then where will we be?
And movie studios stop releasing new (good) movies. Newspapers stop reporting real news. Wait, that happens every month. Never mind.
Bad things happen in August. Anne Frank and her family were captured in August. And the WWII nuclear bombs exploded over Japan in August, 1945. It was also the month that the USSR declared war on Japan, the US entered the Vietnam War, and the start of the Persian Gulf War. (I’m starting to think that people get bored in August, and think, “Hey, let’s start a war.”)
Continuing on, the first income tax was levied. Princess Diana was killed. Mother Theresa died. So did Elvis Presley. And Marilyn Monroe.
I suppose I should mention the couple of good things that have happened in August. For starters, the first roller derby was held in August 1935. Colorado, Missouri, and Hawaii joined the union in August. Sports Illustrated was published for the first time (some people will be much more excited about this than me) and MTV made its debut (actually, this might belong up in the worst disasters column).
Anyway, I guess we can’t completely write the month of August out of the history books. Especially because of the roller derby.
But August has a consolation prize. We can celebrate Foot Health Month, National Catfish Month, National Golf Month (which I still don’t understand, wouldn’t you want to hold this during a month where you can actually go out and golf and not die of heat exhaustion?), and American Artist Appreciation Month.
And don’t forget National Clown Week, Elvis Week, National Smile Week, and Air Conditioning Appreciation Week. And let me tell you, I really, REALLY, appreciate my Air Conditioning in August.
Hm. Maybe the “powers that be” took a bunch of celebrations that no one wanted and said, “Hey, no one is busy in August.” And the people need a reason to celebrate so they gave us: National Mustard Day, National Waffle Day, Friendship Day, Wiggle Your Toes Day, Sea Serpent Day, Book Lovers Day (I could get onboard with this one), National Rice Pudding Day (not this one, yuck!), Middle Child Day (This one is for you, sister!), Potato Day (I do like baked potatoes with all of the toppings), and National Filet Mignon Day (I’m totally celebrating this day, everyday, if possible).
Oh! I know how to save August. Pick one of these “Special Days” and make it a national holiday and give us all the day off work. I would give anything to not have to work on National Filet Mignon Day. Then I could stay in my yoga pants all day to make room for my expanding waist line.